Chanel's transfer tattoos

"For this story, you will be wearing Chanel,” promised my editor, words I have been waiting to hear since I first ventured into journalism. An impeccably cut tweed suit, perhaps, or couture evening frock? Alas, when the delivery arrives it comprises a minuscule bag containing a sheet of rather manky-looking stick-on tattoos, not unlike the versions in chewing-gum wrappers.
For spring’s most coveted micro-trend is the haute tattoo. Chanel’s catwalk heroines sported them at garter length à la coquette meets chav. Minxish Daisy Lowe has been brandishing them still further up the thigh, teamed with a risqué gingham Christopher Kane frock. Californian label Rodarte daubed models’ arms in black tribal emblems, while Jean Paul Gaultier sprayed models’ names on to their bodies. Why, even nice, sensible Anya Hindmarch offered Valentine’s tatts at her Ledbury Road store in the run up to February 14.
Gaia Geddes, executive fashion and jewellery editor of Harper’s Bazaar, explains. “The tattoo has long lost its tacky associations. Wearing a fashion tattoo is the ultimate fix for label-lovers: they can literally brand themselves in double Cs. It’s a sort of extreme, conspicuous consumption – tongue-in-cheek, of course. Karl Lagerfeld is the master of the quirky must-have and he’s managed to make the tattoo look cool in a way that makes the label accessible. Coco probably wouldn’t approve – but, then, isn’t that the point?”.
I’m with Coco. The top-drawer transfers that bear her name are £49 for 55 designs. However, my ineptitude at applying them means a colossal wastage rate, with blackened bits of logo curled about me like dead flies. It is not until the photographer takes charge that matters improve. “Dunk them in water until saturated. Wait a bit. Then press on really hard,” exhorts Andrew, a former king of the playground-tattoo scene. We decorously eschew thigh for neck and wrist adornment. Finally, something adheres: tight, itchy and shiny as a scab, with a rather dubious love bite-type rash developing around it.
This may be the moment to point out that I am 38. I get that this is witty. I get that it is very street of me to be emulating the double Cs that rappers so enjoy festooning themselves with. I even get that this is trompe l’oeil and thus terribly modish in the manner of Lily Allen’s two-tone tights masquerading as stockings. But does it have to be so very borstal? A friend eyes me archly: “You can take the girl out of Birmingham…”
I attempt a change of mindset. This is skin jewellery: I will wear it Coco-style and team it with conker-sized plastic pearls. This is definitely preferable, not least as my pearls obscure the effect. However, later, in an amorous moment, I am horrified to discover that one of my chains has attached itself to my partner-in-crime’s upper lip in the manner of a crazed Hitler-moustache.
To misquote Meat Loaf: I would do anything for Chanel, but I won’t do that. Admittedly, late-30s flesh is probably not the ideal canvas. Were one the right age – six, say – doubtless it would look très branché, if not bon chic. “It probably is a trend best left to young girls,” says Geddes. “Although, there are plenty of high-profile, older tattoo fans out there, Samantha Cameron being the most obvious. So, who knows?”.
Les Trompe L’oeil de Chanel (£49) will be available from March 1, 020 7493 3836